You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm like, not good at living.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
