Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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