I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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