I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
