gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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