I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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