farters have to be the big spoon...
Small penises have feelings too.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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