you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
