I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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