I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
