How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
