Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Randomize
