yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
