I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
