You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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