My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
