I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
