I'm going to rape someone's good day.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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