mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
