i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
