I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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