By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
