i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
