His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
