He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
