It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
