woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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