I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
she told me i tasted like america
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
