If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
