Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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