if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
