Sorry, I don't speak sober.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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