Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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