I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
