hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
