The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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