Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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