i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Buhtt sex?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
