if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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