im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
