Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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