sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
