my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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