my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
