Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
