True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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