I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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