at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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