sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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