My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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